Separation Counselling

Sometimes one or both adults are unable to break from relationship-defeating patterns, one of the partners decide that separation is the lesser of two painful options. Then the new question is how to achieve this without escalating the inevitable pain and anger.

When one half of a partnership announces that the partnership is now over, it usually comes after years of contemplation. The person leaving has often been grieving the impending loss of the relationship from within the relationship for some time. This person may have begun to imagine a life without the other and have mental images of how it can be different in the future. Typically, the person leaving has tried to express his/her unhappiness about the relationship but yet the person being left is still mostly caught psychologically unprepared for separation.

The person being left may in fact be years behind the other partner in terms of the grieving process. The result is two people very much out of sync in terms of where they are at emotionally.

The person being left may strive to hold on or appear to be in denial. Acts of everyday kindness on the part of the person leaving may be construed as signs of hope by the other. This may create an unconscious cruel-to-be-kind attitude on the part of the person leaving, alternating with guilt and resulting kindness again. The latter may again spark hope in the other thus starting the cycle again. The person being left regularly reports what appears to them to be erratic, confusing, push-pull behaviour by the person leaving.
Alternatively, the person being left may respond with reactionary rejection, hostility, blame, and retaliation.

Where infidelity is a catalyst to relationship breakdown, often these processes appear to occur in an intensified "fast forward" way.

Whatever the situation, both the person leaving and the person being left may feel intense anger, guilt, sadness, low self esteem, hopelessness, despair, jealousy, desire for revenge, and, at times, relief, hope and a sense of a new beginning.

Each person's early history of loss and abandonment greatly influence his/her behaviour at this time.

Against a backdrop of such intense and out of sync emotions, practicalities need to be dealt with, decisions need to be made, and, where there is children, their needs must be thought about.

Where children are involved, separation is not the end of the relationship. The two will continue to be parents. Support at this time can be vital to enable the parent not to be so overwhelmed such that they are unable to assist the children through, what is for them, also an extremely worrying time.